Category: Alters

The World Inside Our Head (The System)

This week we want to talk about our system. It is a little difficult to concentrate this week because there is a lot of switching going on. I am going to try, though.

As covered in a prior article most people with DID have what is called a System inside their head, also known as the headspace. The system is technically all of the personalities who share the head, but it is used interchangeably for the internal meeting space as well.

The headspace can be as small as a house or a large as an entire galaxy, it is completely up to the residents who live in the system. Many people have a name for their system that is meaningful to the members. It can be anything from a normal city name to a random word or phrase.

The purpose of the internal system is to keep everyone on the same page by effectively communicating and also so alters who are not fronting to have somewhere to go to work, relax, or entertain themselves.

Our system does not currently have a name because we are only just now trying to work together. It is just now becoming clearer as we try to collaborate more. I have not really been to the system consciously; only a couple of times in dreams. However, I know that the main portion of it is some sort of house. It is really dark. You know how your house looks with all the lights off at dusk? That is what it looks like, but Cassiel claims that is due to a lack of communication and we can fix it to be better.

Everyone has their own space in the house and the house can expand if needed when a new alter joins the system. Each room is a like any normal bedroom, a display of the alters hobbies and interests. The only alter room I have seen this far is Cid’s. His room is messy it; has clutter like cigarette packs and empty food boxes and clothes everywhere and the bed is never made. He also grows pot in his closet. I think when he is inside the headspace he spends most of his time in his room.

The main part of the house is hard to see details because it is sort of dark, but it is big with a common area that goes into a hall with most of the alters’ the rooms. It seems to be Victorian looking. There are paintings in the hall and the common area has plants and other little cozy decorations, but not a lot of knickknacks or clutter.

 The common room has plush comfortable furniture and a big tv that the Alters who are co-conscious can see things in the real world with. Just off the common room is a large kitchen and a dining room where I guess someone cooks? I don’t know it seemed very clean. I have been told that next to the kitchen there is now a large conference style room with a long table and chairs where system meetings occur, and it is where the job decision was made.

 On down the hallway there is a smaller, cozier room that is used as a quiet space. It has a fireplace and a balcony and more comfortable furniture along with plush carpets opposed to the hardwood in most of the rest of the shared areas. Across from that is a playroom for the little boy who I think is the only little so far. He often has one of the more nurturing alters play with him because he gets lonely as the only little. I know Cassiel does, and I have heard that the woman does sometimes but not often, as well as Ryan and Cyrus.

There are stairs at the end that go down into a basement area where the more reserved or angry personalities live like Hateful, Torturer, and Toss. Their rooms are unique to them like the others, but they did not want to be on the main level because it is too noisy and busy for them. The woman also lives down there and I don’t know if she is angry or if she just doesn’t like being around the others. She is reserved and likes to keep to herself mostly. The basement is much colder but ironically lighter. It has little decoration and, in most places, not even a flooring beyond cement. It does not seem like a comfortable place to be.

Outside of the house is a large grassland on one side with a hedge maze and a flower garden with a vegetable garden in a sperate spot so it doesn’t ruin the aesthetic. In the back is a pool and a patio with a firepit and an outdoor kitchen, hammocks, basketball courts, volleyball courts, swing sets/play area for the little, just lots of fun things to do. To the back in the distance and other side is a forest that looks calm in places and scary in others. Some of the alters like to go out and walk in the forest. I have never seen night, but supposedly it is super dark outside at night and Cid especially likes to go outside and look at the stars. I’m not sure how time works in the system or if it’s just dark whenever they want it to be dark. I don’t know if there are seasons or if they can choose the season by the day, either.

There are a lot of animals, but none are dangerous except the ones in the scary woods and none are in cages they all walk around freely. The house has cats and dogs and a small pig inside. Outside there are horses and all manner of tamed exotic animals.

It seems as if beyond the grassland and the forest there are mountains, but it is difficult for me to see that far in the few times I’ve been there. Sometimes it feels like our system is a Minecraft biosphere or something. I am trying to learn how to go there when I am pushed out of the front instead of just being totally unconscious, but I haven’t had any luck yet.

This is just the extent of our experience. Some people have systems so much more interesting than this. I wanted to paint a mental picture of what it might be like. The inner world functions similar to this one except the laws are just a tad different with the animals and what not. It can also change and grow to meet the changing needs of the system. To those in the system it is as real as this world is, and they even refer to it as their world and this world.

OI will update if I get more information on what it is like there. Writing this has given me some questions to ask my alters. Feel free to ask questions.

Introducing My Alters

Dissociative Identity Disorder is described as the presence of two or more distinct personality states, making the presence of these multiple personalities or Alters the most well-known symptom of DID. Alters are created as a defense mechanism, a form of protection for the original personality, which is usually the host. The first alters are usually formed in early childhood, but more alters can be made or become “active” all though a person’s life.

There can be as few as two personality states or as many as hundreds, however, the most common number seems to be 10-12. Personalities can be anything. Any race, ethnicity, age, gender, sex, etc. Some may not even be human. I have heard of people having animals or mythological creatures like fairies as alters. All of mine are at least humanoid I believe. They can come from different time periods or even other planets or fictional places. Each alter has a unique body type and looks. They can have unique jobs (in the headspace) and interests. Alters often do excel at skills and the host and other alters may not possess at all. Alters choose their name. It could be a normal human name or even the name of an object, place, or trait, anything really.

Alters can be triggered to front if something sudden or scary happens that reminds the host of something bad or just scares the host. For example a few months ago I was lying in bed and the biggest thunder clap I have ever heard happened and it sounded like a gun or something.  Someone took over for that. It wasn’t real danger, but the sudden fear triggered someone, most likely Cid, to take over. Alters can also be triggered to front of they see or hear something they like such as a Tv show or music or a hobby or something generally interesting to them. Littles, or child alters, can be triggered to the front by seeing toys for example.

 Personalities including the host live together in the person’s head. This is called the headspace or the system. I will talk about this often, so it’s important to know what this means. The system is the meeting place for all of the alters. Some people are more connected with their system than others. I am not connected with mine. I have had a couple of faint dreams that supposedly took place in our system, but I don’t remember being their consciously. Usually when I am not in control I have amnesia. I will write more about how the headspace/system works later, but this is basically where all of the personalities “live” while not in control of the body. This helps with organization and helps us know who is in the system even if they don’t take control.  

I currently have around 12 that I have heard of, however, not all of them “front” or take control of my body. I only know of 10 that have in the past year, some of them as few as once. There are only 2 or 3 that do so often. I thought I would make this post about them to explain a little more about how it works for me, or us. Each personality is valued as an individual so to include everyone when talking about things concerning everyone it is recommended to say we or us. I have a bad habit of not doing that which stems from  years of taking the “Maybe if I ignore it it’ll go away” approach, but it makes the others upset so I will try to be mindful to include everyone when speaking about things that everyone is involved with.

I can’t describe each one in detail even if I were able to. That is for them to do and not my place. If that is something you would be interested in reading, I might be able to arrange for some them to take control and do so if they agree. Right now, I am going to briefly mention the ones I know about and how they came about to the best of my knowledge.

The one I hear about most is called Cid. He fronts so much that he is considered a co-host. Most of the time if I’m not in control he is. As far as I know he was the first alter that was created when I was around five years old. He will not say why even when he speaks to therapists and says it’s better that he doesn’t, so I have no idea why this began. He is a lot more laid back than I am, so he usually takes over for generally stressful situations or just normal bad days.

There is one called hateful. Hateful is, well, hateful. Apparently recently he is also calling himself Connor. I don’t know why. He is aggressive and takes over when he feels that is needed to achieve a goal. Other times he seems to be plain hateful for no reason and is not appreciated during those times.

 One is called Torturer. He is not nice. I don’t think anyone in the system likes him. I’m not sure why he even exists but he doesn’t seem to protect me from anything. He used to come out a lot when I was a teen and would cut me and things like that, but he doesn’t seem to come out quite as much anymore which is a good thing.

Toss is very depressed, like super duper depressed. He named himself from the act of tossing oneself off a bridge. He takes over in the worst depressive times. I don’t think he’s been active recently, either, unless it was during my extremely difficult tine over the summer, but I don’t know for sure. I don’t remember a lot of the summer and I don’t know who all was fronting instead.

Cassiel was created recently as a mediator personality. I think he might be an angel or something? I don’t know for sure. He is attempting to organize the system and get everyone, including myself, to communicate better. He was created out of the frustration of never knowing what is going on, so he’s here to oversee everything. He is conscious with almost everyone, I think. I hear his voice sometimes, but he’s the only one I hear most of the time. Some people can hear most or all of their alters all of the time. I am cut off from mine for the most part unless he needs to tell me something important. He helped me figure out what day it was an when I worked again earlier today when I was confused.

Cassiel started a journal for everyone to write their name down and some things about themselves. I have names but the rest is blank for most of them. Here are names of alters I know nothing about: Ryan, Hayden, Orion, Cyrus, Saros, an unnamed female, and a little (child). I don’t think these front often if at all.

Right now the way we communicate is through their journal and through notes either on the computer or written on the refrigerator. Whenever I realize I’ve lost time and feel confused the first thing I do is look for notes. For example, today I had a note from hateful telling me tasks he got done that I have struggled with for months. This is just the first step in some sort of normalcy. Before I had no idea what was going on 90% of the time because everything seemed so fractured. Everything still feels fractured, but it helps when notes make it easier to catch up on what I missed.

I hope this gives some sort of idea of the function of alters. I am open to questions. In the next post, which will hopefully come sooner than this one did, I will talk more about systems and how the headspace works for me. I know this has been a long post so thank you for sticking with me.